Part 1 – Why sexual role play is not just allowable, but good for Christian marriage
Part 2- What are the boundaries for sexual role play in a Christian marriage?
Part 3 – 9 Biblically Based Sexual Role Play Scenarios For Husbands to Try With Their Wives
Many excellent points and ideas here. I would challenge the concept of role playing real women that are not their wives or are the wives of others. That’s creating a lust in his mind that opens mental doors to encourage temptation and unfaithfulness. My husband agreed fully when I asked his opinion based on my knowledge of scripture and protecting the marriage and family carefully.
Charity,
You should follow your husband’s spiritual direction on this. My position based on what I see in the Scriptures on lust is this:
1. Paul said in Romans 1:27 to lust is to covet, and he said it was a breaking of the tenth commandment.
2. The 10th commandment in Exodus 20:17 warns against a man coveting his neighbors wife, his house, his slaves, his cattle or anything else that is his neighbors property.
3. If to covet meant simply to find something or someone desirable than all commerce would be sin. No one could ever desire and then purchase another person’s house or any of their other property such as cars…ect. So we know to covet is not simply to find someone or something desirable. To covet is to desire to UNLAWFULLY possess someone or something.
I always use houses an example since the commandment says don’t covet your neighbor’s house. If you were to find someone’s house desirable would that be lust(coveting)? No. Even if you were to imagine what it would be like to live in their house would that be lust(coveting)? No. To covet someone’s house is to desire to take or use their house unlawfully. It is the same with women. God has designed men with a polygynous sexual nature. And while not all men throughout history have been able to act on it by having multiple wives, the fact remains men have this capacity. This is why men can absolutely love their wives while be sexually attracted to other women around them.
Now to your concern about husbands being tempted to being unfaithful if they have their wives role play real women they know. Let me give you the mental process that proceeds a man being unfaithful to his wife.
1. He notices her beauty and gets pleasure just from seeing her shape and form (gets dopamine rush).
2. He dwells on her beauty and wants to get glances of different angles of her body (front, side, back).
3. He has sexual fantasies about her while away about her or dreams about her while asleep.
4. He begins to entertain fantasies of how he can have unlawful sex with her (either seducing her or raping her).
5. He begins to starts to flirt with her if he is looking to seduce her, or he begins to stalk her if he is looking to rape her.
6. He finally seduces her into fornicating with him or he captures her and rapes her.
So at what point has lust occurred for the man? The church and most Christians today would stay at step 2. The moment he dwells on any thoughts of her in their view he has committed the sin of lust. My contention is that teaching is false. Steps 2 and 3 I would argue are by the very design of God, it is part of God’s design of man’s polygynous sexual nature.
The church and most people today say a man’s battle in his mind begins right at step 2 – that he cannot dwell on any sexual thoughts or have sexual fantasies about real women around him. I disagree with that. I believe the battle for a man is at step 4. To entertain thoughts of seducing a woman or taking her unlawfully (raping her) is the where the spiritual battle begins. This is the corruption of man’s polygynous sexual nature by sin.
My point in this is that if a man does not allow him to engage in those thoughts of step 4, then he won’t engage in flirting or other planning in his mind and the unfaithfulness will never occur. I understand and respect that some men choose to stop themselves at step 2. And that is a personal decision for every man, but I do not believe steps 2 or 3 are sinful nor do they automatically lead to steps 4,5 and 6.
None of my fantasies have ever been with me dominating my husband, but are you saying that even if I had ideas that aligned with these things that you say are permissible that we couldn’t do them because it was my idea?
Tessa,
There is a difference between playing an aggressive role sexually as the woman and dominating your man. There is nothing in the world wrong with a ripping her husbands and clothes off and passionately having sex with him. Most men would actually find that attractive as one of many role plays. But a woman ripping her husbands clothes off so she can get to his body quickly and pleasure him and herself is very different than her dominating him. Dominating him would be her commanding him and controlling him. It would be her telling him what to do like he was her slave and he must do it. It might be her pegging him (using a dildo and penetrating him in his anus. Those kinds of dominate sex do not honor God’s design that man is always be in a dominate position with woman.
I think you may have mixed your replies up. You made the statement that the wife should not be leading the role and my question was are you saying that if I had the idea of my husband being a mechanic or police officer or something that we couldn’t do it because it’s my idea. I’m not trying to dominate anything I just want to able to throw my fantasies in the hat. Your reply seems a bit more geared toward Braxton.
Tessa,
Ok I understand now better what you were asking and no, I don’t see an issue at all women simply giving advice (ideas) to her husband, whether it be about sexual fantasy or even about other things related to things needed in the home or their children. As long as she does this is in kind and humble way and not in some demanding way I think it is perfectly fine.
What I find most interesting in these religious blogs and podcasts is the comments from the women, married specifically that read and hear things such as this and criticize the speakers and writers instead of running to your husbands and hugging them and telling them how much you love and appreciate them. I know that 80 percent of this stuff is hard to hear and read, but my wife and I listen to all of these and we had great relationship before but it’s only gotten better because she knows I would never do anything that would possibly bring about feelings of resentment or jealousy to my wife and I would never want my wife to feel like being married to me was a chore that she had to fight a battle inside herself to love me. 95 percent of your husbands don’t ask for much but you are reluctant and headstrong when it comes to giving him the little he asks for and be thankful that he asks because biblically speaking ladies we ask as a courtesy not because we have to. I say before you judge any of these scenarios have you ever thought about how your husband might feel if you did something as simple crawl under his desk while he’s working or maybe you rip his clothes and be the aggressor news flash ladies men like to feel attractive and we don’t want to think that you only do certain sexual acts because we like it, we would hope that some part of takes your own delight in us as well. If you all understood these things marriages would last longer and be happier. And to add a few extra scenarios my wife and I have been a doctor, cop, burglar, a student, teacher, widow/widower and dancers. Oh I’ve been the mailman, milkman and plumber. This can be so much fun and healthy.